Things I’ll do Differently…Maybe.

As the due date of our second little bundle rapidly approaches, I’ve been thinking back to the early days with Luke. While those first days and weeks with our newborn were a precious gift, I honestly have to say they were some of the hardest days of motherhood for me {at least so far}.

Maybe it was all the hormonal changes. Or the lack of sleep.  Or the the HUGE life adjustment. Maybe it was the fact that I’m a little bit neurotic and a LOT type A. Or maybe it was a combination of all these things. Regardless, when I look back, I remember feeling too much stress and shedding too many tears during those first days.

Recently, I was telling Christy how I’m going to do so many things differently this time: I’m not going to feel the need to shower and get completely dressed to see hospital visitors a hot second after the baby is born…I’m not going to freak out about stupid things like baby acne…I’m going to relax more instead of trying to keep the house clean…I’m going to remember “this too shall pass” and  “I will sleep again” and “the baby doesn’t need to be on a perfect schedule the first week”….I’m not going to have crazy emotional meltdowns for no reason….blah, blah, blah.

{See. Like I said, NEUROTIC.} 

Christy wisely suggested that maybe I should see how I actually do during the early weeks this time before writing my “things I’ll do differently” post. And obviously she knows me pretty well. Because I’m no less type A now than I was then {although you might not believe that if you saw my house on a daily basis.} 

It sure is easy to see all the things I wish I’d done differently and say, “Oh, I’m going to be so much more laid back this time.” But when it’s all said and done, will I really be? I mean, sure I’ll know a little more about what to expect this time, but do I think it’s going to be easier for me to just stay calm and roll with the punches? HELLO. This time I’m going to have a wild little toddler to care for in addition to the full-time job that is a newborn baby. Just thinking about that dynamic stresses me out a little right now.

Yes. The truth is, apart from God’s grace, I won’t do one thing differently this time. I’ll be just as crazy and stressed out and emotional because the same challenges {plus some} will all be there and my crazy personality hasn’t magically changed in two years. It will still bother me when the house is a wreck and I feel like I’ve been working all day long with zero productivity. I’ll still feel guilty when I feed Luke fast-food, or let him watch too much TV so I can have a break. I’ll be just as tempted to idolize perfection, to worship “my ideal schedule.” I’ll be just as prone live life independently, to seek to perform and be a good mom in my own strength.

And If I fall prey to these temptations, I’ll fail. I’ll end up totally stressed out, self-focused, and far from being the wife and mother that God has called me to be. I’m quickly realizing that instead of working on my little list of things I need to do differently, I need to spend the early weeks as a mom of two {and every day for that matter} clinging to Christ.

Because the reality is, it’s going to be challenging. I’m going to feel overwhelmed. There will be days when I long for things to be easier or just to go my stinkin’ way. But God isn’t interested in my performance and my perfection. He’s not concerned with me “doing it all right” or “having it all together.” God is concerned with my faithfulness. He wants my heart. He wants me to long for Him more than I long for sleep or sanity, an organized house or happy children. He wants me to worship Him, not the unattainable ideal of perfect motherhood. Because the truth is, apart from Him, I can do nothing. And in Him, there is grace sufficient for every need, even the needs of motherhood. His strengths are made perfect in my many weaknesses. Glory to God for that!

Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. . . But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord God my refuge, that I may tell of your works. –Psalm 73:25, 26, 28. 

{Y’all pray for me when you think about it! :)}